Back to Front Story

I made a goal with myself that I will not say something behind anyone's back that I would not be willing to say to their face.
Mind you, willing and purposefully attacking them with it are two different things.
I don't like people to lie to me. I don't like people talking behind my back about how horrible I am, and then being friendly to my face.

When I was in University I had many, many roommates. Some were very kind. Most were not. Turns out, while I thought I could get along with most people; I tend to put people off. Well, I put off roommates that don't like me pointing out logic, critical thinking, and that they are disobeying rules they signed a contract to obey. (That last part is a completely different story.)
Yet they acted like my friends to my face. I was informed of their dislike one morning when they forgot that the walls were paper thin.
I lay in bed after working an early morning custodial shift. I had just woken up from my 'nap' (That was honestly more like my second part of nights sleep that was always bisected) and was trying to convince myself to get ready for the rest of my day.
I heard voices from the kitchen. In our teeny apartment, that would be like four steps from my bedroom door. Usually, when I hear voices my Paranoia goes full force and tells me that no matter who the voices are that they are talking about me, hate me, and so on.
Logic tells me this is not the case, so on that morning I tried to block out the voices and get back to psyching myself up to leave the pillow habitat.
Then I heard my name.
It really doesn't help my anxiety and paranoia to know that I'm right.
My roommates, who I could tell person from person by their rather loud voices, were talking about me. I listened carefully to get an accurate idea of what they were saying.
They were complaining about me. That I was lazy and slept all day. That I was on my computer too much. That I brought my brother around too much. That I never got out of the house. That the FHE brothers didn't like me. On and on. Some very rude words were tossed around. Fat, lazy, gross, boring, you get the idea.

Now, there are a few different ways you can deal with someone, or someones, that are going on like that. I thought about yelling from my room, where they could hear me just as well as I could hear them, that "I can hear you!" and imagine their faces of shock and hopefully guilt. I thought of coming out and explaining myself, that I had a second job and homework and long distance friends on that computer for the reason I was on so much, that I was teaching my brother how to cook, that I worked at 4 in the morning so I needed day time sleep. (As for the guys not liking me, I had no excuse.)
I could have come out and drop that all on them in a nice long rant. But as I got up I felt like that would almost be begging them to understand and like me. I wasn't too for that.
I could, of course, come barreling out of the room and scream and call them much worse names than they called me and drop all of their sins on them.
But in the end I decided to wait for a calmer head and tell them later, as calmly as I could, that they had hurt my feelings and talking about someone like that behind their back is horribly disrespectful (not that I held out much hope that they respected me, after what I had heard) and against our shared religious beliefs of conduct.
So I got dressed, still hearing this. I got my feelings in check and put on a good face. Then I calmly walked out of my room.
They immediately shut up and scattered. Cause that wouldn't have clued me in had I not already known.
I didn't say anything and made breakfast.
Later that day, I took one of the girls aside whom was easier to approach, and told her boldly that I had heard the entire conversation. Her face was mortified.
I asked her to not do this again, and to think about how much it hurt me before she ever went into a gossip session. I told her that I was very upset, as I now knew my entire apartment's feelings about me. This is five roommates, mind you.
She said sorry a bunch and would talk to the other girls.
No one else ever apologized. They were sickly sweet to me for a good week, then everything went back to how it was. With a lot of scattering when I came into a room. I tried to broach the subject with some of the other girls, but they just brushed it off and assured me that they loved me and we were all friends.
That wasn't even the worst of the roommates I have had.

To make it clear, that kind of thing really hurts. I felt literally sick knowing that the five girls that lived with me outright hated me. What was worse was that I was never able to get down to the core of the issue about what I had actually done wrong. I can't fix what I don't know I did wrong. So it continued like that, with my knowing very well the opinions and thoughts, and them all assuring me (badly) that we were all friends and everything was fine.
From that point on I made the deal with myself that I would never say behind someone's back what I would not be willing to say to their face. I may not volunteer the information, but if the topic came up, I would always be honest but kind about my opinions and feelings. If I was angry with a person, I would tell them, so they would have a chance to repair the damage, if they so desired.
It has served me well. I sure have a lot of opinions, but all of my few friends know how I feel about things.
When I am concerned about something, I tell the person that is concerning me. When I am upset, I tell them.
When I particularly don't like someone, I may not come out and shame them, but I don't go around pretending that we are buddy buddy. That is dishonest. That is like literally lying to their face when you gossip behind their back.
Also, I'm really awful at lying (when not a wonderful surprise in the works) and controlling my facial expressions, so this way just seems like less agony on both sides.

Please, ladies. And gents. Please stop the gossiping. If the person that you are going on about was sitting in the next room hearing every thing you said, would you say those things? Because sometimes they can. And it hurts. It still upsets me to this day, years later, to think of what was said and the way they were talking about me. And it hurts worse when they act like we are friends and make me out to be rude when I refuse to play that game. Stop gossiping.

And if that isn't enough reason to stop; think of this. When you start bad mouthing people behind their back, the person you are trash talking with is going to be wondering what you say about them behind their back. Because chances are that you don't limit yourself to one target. When people are wondering what you say about them when they aren't there, they will be a lot less likely to really let you in on their lives. You are hurting your own relationships by doing this.

Smile Always.