I am aware that the idea of reading a story of someone getting hungry and full probably sounds like the world's most boring topic. You may be scoffing before you even began "That is boring. What is the big deal? You are hungry, you eat, and you get full. Everyone does this daily."
The thing is, for most of my life, I didn't.
I would tell people that I don't get hungry or full and they wouldn't believe me. The idea that a person just didn't do that was impossible to them. I have been asked hundreds of times how it works for me, and when I tried to explain, I didn't have the words to describe the difference, and was told that actually was hungry and full, and I was being dramatic.
I'll try again. Because I now know the difference.
I used to be thin. Very thin. Try 116 lbs at 5'10.5" thin. Looking back on pictures of those times I am only now aware of how skeletal I was. It was normal for me. The skinny shaming I got really didn't help my understanding - just made me think people had a right to judge somehow.
If I wasn't reminded to eat, I would never even think about it. I would smell breakfast and want some, or have a craving for an omelette and make one. I would refer to my cravings or remembering to eat as hungry, because that is the word that was used. I knew something was different about my 'hunger' that other's, but how do you explain something against what you have never felt?
I often would only remember that food was a thing when I got dizzy or started getting a headache. It wasn't that I was making a point or skipping meals or being dramatic. I just forgot.
I would literally be confused why I was nearly falling over and then realize "Oh, crap. I haven't eaten in almost two days. I should really do that."
I would also get wicked cranky. Oops.
It was a chore to eat at most times. I liked the taste, don't get me wrong. I really enjoyed the process of eating. I just often forgot because I didn't have that little thing in my head that told me I was ready to eat. Chewing became an exercise of the jaw.
Probably more problematic for me was the flip side was also true. I didn't get full.
This was even harder for people to comprehend than the fact I didn't get hungry. That I could eat a meal and not get full didn't make any sense to almost anyone I told about it. Including family.
Here is how it usually went. I remembered that food was a thing. Either by smell, craving a certain taste, or accidentally making myself sick in some way because I hadn't fed my body. So I would go find myself some food. A lot of food!
I can't tell you how many times the word bulimic came up. It was actually how I learned of the condition, was people assuming I already had it. (Also, really easy to live up to expectations of a food disorder. Just stop mocking people, no matter the body type.) This was because when I remembered I had to eat, I would sit down to a lot of food, because I knew I wouldn't remember for another while.
So I would eat like 6 full burritos, an entire pizza, or half a box of spaghetti by myself.
Because I would only know when I was done eating if the flavors I were craving were satisfied/got boring, I lost interest in the meal, or more often I felt my stomach getting so stretched out that it started to be uncomfortable. I would eat until it hurt.
And that hurt in the belly because I just stuffed it with a family meal's worth of food? I called that full because I didn't have any other reference. How many times I had heard it said that full was when your body just told you to stop? Well, stomach threatening to unload or rip open because I ate so much seemed a pretty clear signal that I should stop eating. So that was what I called full.
And that is how you see a rail thin teenage/young adult girl down an entire large pizza by herself without an eating disorder ever coming into play.
I hadn't been hungry before, sat down to eat, and ate until I physically had to stop.
I honestly don't know if not getting hungry or full is a condition. I don't know if it is a certain kind of symptom or an uncontrollable disorder. I could never find any information about it because if I searched for any of those signs, all I would get were anorexia/bulimia results.
(Pro Ana websites are terrifying, by the way. And disturbing. And sick. And feed directly into the angst and insecurities and need to be unique but belong that resides in teenagers. Male and female. The fact that they often take an artistic viewpoint didn't help things. If we can't take them off the internet, we need to make it clear to youth that they are manipulation shrouded in poison and glamour before they ever come across one and find themselves intrigued. And don't do so by showing the pictures on those websites. What is shocking and horrifying to the healthy is often artistic and interesting to those triggered. But I won't make this post about that.)
I don't know if others are suffering what I did for years. Because while I felt I was not having hunger and fullness like others, there was no way to really know, as I couldn't compare it with what everyone else was doing.
Until now.
I have gone through a lot of changes in my life. One of which was getting off all medications for the purpose of being ready to conceive a child.
I want to make it clear that I am now talking about the time between getting off medications that altered my chemistry (needfully!) and when pregnancy cravings and aversions kicked in. They are very different and I am now very glad it took us a few months to get pregnant so I could understand the difference.
When I got off the medications, I started losing crazy amounts of weight.
Before I had been on them I was around 116 lbs. When I got on them, I would eat in the same fashion I always had, but I then started to gain weight rapidly. I got up to 220 lbs by the time I got off them. Slightly more at my wedding. Most of that weight had come on in under a year. The medications helped with my unhealthy thoughts. But it completely ballooned me out. It was worth the trade off for me because my depression had been so bad, but be aware before you get on any medication what the side effects can be and be sure you are willing to have them.
When I started to lose weight so fast, I was pleased and took note of my numbers on the scale.
But something more drastic started happening to my eating habits.
I now remember with some amusement talking to my husband and sister in complete confusion.
"I just don't understand. I don't want anything in particular, I'm not craving anything. I just really need to eat!" "I'm not dizzy or anything, I just really feel better when I eat." "I just really want food and I don't know why."
Yeah, that is hunger. I would wake up needing energy and just really want to eat. I didn't feel like a bagel or an omelette or anything in mind. It wasn't about the flavor that would be best. It was that I needed some type of food in me to function. Weird. So I would eat more regularly.
I'm still kind of laughing at how I freaked out to Fullness, though. I was so confused.
"I'm not bored, and I still like the taste. My stomach feels fine. I'm just ... done."
My Sissy-poo's blank stare was perfect as she tried to explain that 'done' was what most people felt. They stopped eating when they were done. I was just so confused that I didn't need to eat until my stomach threatened rebellion. I wouldn't get sick of a taste in order to stop. I just got 'done' eating. I got full. And I didn't really know how to handle it.
I kind of felt like it was anti-climatic. There was no dire warning to end a meal. And at the same time it was so nice to be truly satisfied with a meal without having to hate the flavor or feel so over-logged with food that a nap was the only option. I could get up and move and continue my day and have plenty of energy until that really strange feeling of needing it came back.
I also found very quickly that I couldn't order as much as I usually did. When I fixed myself something or ordered something I had understood how much to put on a plate in order to get what I had considered full. Turns out I knew how much the entire capacity of my stomach was.
It took me weeks to remember to only serve up or order about a quarter or less of the amount I usually ate. You know, a normal American serving. I admit it probably took longer than it should have for me to understand I couldn't eat as much. It was so much a habit at that point to overload plates.
I can't express how enjoyable it is to get full. Hunger can sometimes be annoying. Because I see it as inconvenient to stop what I am doing because I really need to eat. But my energy is so much more consistent and there is something to be said for being healthy. And normal.
Fullness is such a blessing that I hadn't even realized I was missing out on. I can have just the right amount of food and suddenly feel great. Mentally fresh, body ready to do whatever I want it to. There is a huge satisfaction to a good meal. And I will try so many more foods.
Again, I have no idea of not getting hungry or full is a condition. I had many other things going on as well that were more pressing than the fact I wouldn't think of food for days on end. It wasn't because of the medications, I had that problem well before I started on them. I had it for as long as I can remember. It was just when I got off them and was otherwise in great health that I found the change.
I am also happy that as Hunger and Fullness came into my life, I have been able to avoid my Depression, most of my Anxiety, and many other of my issues since getting off the medications.
I am doing better than I ever thought I would.
Smile Always.
P.S. If you have any information about the inability to get hungry and full, and if it is actually a medical condition, I would absolutely love to know. I don't know if this is something I could pass down to my children or could come back to me later. I am enjoying health while it lasts, but would love to get more knowledge on what I have never even heard of another person experiencing.
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